Impostor syndrome

I fixed my OS tonight, and I solved a problem.  Granted, it wasn’t particularly difficult:  I downloaded the official slackbuild, the new source, edited the version number in the slackbuild, then watched gcc spew.

But instead of being happy that I did a thing (and helped someone else), all I could think of was, “Well you just used Pat Volkerding’s script.  You didn’t actually do anything.”

Logically, I know there are many, many Linux users who can’t do that, for whom the command line is this nebulous thing of fear, and they’d never upgrade anything, unless it went through the software center or a repository first.  Logically, I know that up until version 12 or 13, I was already recompiling half my OS, anyway, to make it do the things I needed, including recompiling a kernel, which is the very heart of the operating system, itself.

But, yet, in the back of my head, my brain is saying, “Yeah?  You used ‘make oldconfig’.  You used the configuration of the kernel that was.  You followed AlienBob’s slack-doc, because you can’t remember how to do it off the top of your head.”

Summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, a degree from one of the top performing arts schools in the country, and then a doctorate: no matter the bona fides, I worry that someday, someone is going to figure out that I’ve been faking it all along. I know the voice in the back of my head is lying, repeating past violence. It doesn’t make its sound any less strident.